Marteen
by Jojo6
Summary: Sam has a new admirer. S/J. Very silly.


Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 is an original MGM, Greenburg/Anderson, Gekko, Top Secret, Kawoosh! production. Any material relating to Stargate SG-1 is for entertainment only, and is in no way meant as an infringement on copyrights. In other words, I own nadda. 

Rating: PG 

Season: end of season five, pre-Meridian 

Summary: Kind of a twist on the whole Black Widow thing. Otherwise, very silly, and not really worth the time since it goes nowhere. I'm so embarrassed. 

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* 

* 

Sam was congratulating herself on not being too obvious when the Colonel finally turned around and looked at her wearily. He shifted his gun in irritation, his face twisted slightly as he fixed her with a steely glare, '' Carter, what the hell's going on?'' 

Now, there were currently three options open to Sam at that time. She could a) look innocent and therefore innocently request an explanation, b) look down at her feet in embarrassment and murmur something incomprehensible, preferably with words of several syllables, c) tell him the truth. Of them all, option A was looking the most likely, as B, frankly, required too much effort and she didn't think there were long enough words to cover her predicament, while C would be just plain embarrassing. 

So she widened her eyes slightly (an expression she had practised in the mirror until it was just darn perfect), opened her mouth just a bit and tilted her head to the side. '' Colonel, what do you mean?'' 

He smiled at her tightly, his fingers flexing over his P-90. '' Carter, don't wind me up and give me that look,'' he said sweetly. Too sweetly. 

'' What look, Colonel?'' 

She could see he was clenching his teeth, so maybe the continuation of Plan A hadn't been such a good idea. 

'' I'm gonna count to three, Carter, and if you haven't told me on three, I'm going to send you back home.'' 

She rolled her eyes expressively, the innocent expression thrown out of the window - what, did he think she was five now? He was the childish one. Everyone knew that. Hammond knew that, Janet knew that, Daniel knew that, hell, Teal'c knew that.... 

'' One...'' 

See? Childish. '' You've got to be kidding!'' 

'' Two...'' 

'' Sir,'' she put on her best parent tone, '' this is ridiculous.'' 

'' Three!'' 

'' Okay, okay!'' 

Sam held up her hands to hold him off and gave in to what she now realised had been the inevitable since she'd first started following him around. He wasn't an idiot. He knew under the best of circumstances she liked to keep a respectable, platonic distance between the two of them. The fact that in the past ten minutes she'd walked into him three times had got to have been a huge hint that something was up. 

Sam looked over both shoulders, winced as her eyes found the reason for her continued stalking over her CO, then leaned forward slightly. '' See the guy in the red shirt?'' 

The brown eyes shifted, swiftly assessed, then shifted back to her. '' Shirt? I think you're being polite. That's a dress, Carter.'' 

Normally, she would have smiled. But this wasn't normal. This was a life or death situation, as far as Sam was concerned. '' He, um, introduced himself as Marteen.'' 

'' Marteen?'' he repeated, blankly. 

'' Yes.'' 

The Colonel blinked. '' Man. If that isn't the dumbest name in the history of... humanoid-kind, I don't know what is.'' 

'' Right. So I told him my name.'' 

'' Yes....'' He nodded encouragingly, patronisingly. 

Boy, it was a pain in the ass when their respective roles were reversed. 

'' Then he... he..'' 

'' He what, Carter? We don't have all day.'' 

'' Technically, we do, sir. We don't return until this afternoon.'' 

He rolled his eyes and started walking again, muttering about 'damned scientists' and 'wasting time' and 'even if she is hot'. 

She narrowed her eyes and followed him, decided to deliver her bombshell in a way that would supremely piss him off. '' He asked me out.'' 

The Colonel stopped so suddenly that she crashed into him. He swivelled, his eyes going straight to Marteen. Talk about a look of death. '' Oh, he did, did he? That's interesting.'' 

Sam smiled. Triumphantly. '' Actually, first he told me that I was very beautiful. Then he asked me out. To meet his parents.'' 

Colonel O'Neill's fingers tightened around his gun again, eyes still fixed on Marteen who was nervously moving from one boot to the other some distance away from them. '' Right. And the reason you decided to glue yourself to me is...?'' 

'' I'm trying to give the impression that I'm not interested.'' 

'' Which you're not,'' he clarified, just to be sure. 

She smiled in agreement. '' In any way whatsoever.'' His shoulders relaxed considerably, the fingers on his gun going lax. The death look became amused. '' Besides, it's for his own self-preservation.'' 

'' What is?'' 

'' That he doesn't like me.'' 

Her CO closed his eyes, one hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose lightly. '' Okay, now I'm getting a headache.'' 

'' It's very simple, sir.'' 

'' That better not be a crack about my intelligence, Major. Only I'm allowed to do them.'' 

'' And may I say you do them very well?'' 

'' Now you're sucking up.'' He snorted. '' You're scaring me, Carter.'' 

'' Look, if he likes me in that way, he'll die.'' 

He stared at her like she'd gone completely nuts. Then he thought about it intently. Stared at her some more. Looked over at Marteen. Then he frowned. '' Okay, I'm sure there's some hidden logic in there that I've missed, so I'm going to say this once - Carter, tell him you're married. Tell him you have three children, Billy, Bobby and Benjy, all between the ages of eight and two and that your husband's a heavyweight boxer or someone with a really big gun.'' He gave her a big, triumphant grin. '' There! Problem solved!'' 

Happy that he'd finally got rid of her, Colonel O'Neill walked off. 

Sam stood, feet sticking in the mud, and decided that he'd been lying when he said he cared about her more than he was supposed to. 

'' Samantha?'' 

Her spine stiffed. Oh God! '' Marteen.'' Slowly, Sam turned around, trying to make her wince look more like a smile. They were going to be here a week; she would have to make some kind of an effort. '' Something I can help you with?'' 

'' My parents...'' Weakly, he gestured over to the side of the walkway, where two people, both in overlarge shirts, waved at her. 

Sam felt the blood run from her face. She turned to look at Marteen. 

And got a really, really good idea. 

'' Marteen?'' 

'' Yes, Samantha,'' he sighed, fingers reaching out to touch her hair. 

Sam tried not to completely loose it and punch him for invading her personal space, but it was hard. '' See the man over there? The one with the really big gun?'' 

'' Ah, yes, Colonel O'Neill.'' Marteen nodded, his smile dreamy as he took in the features of her face. 

God, she hated men who didn't pay attention to her. Which entirely went against her unreasonable attraction to her CO. '' I'm married to him.'' 

'' Hmm?'' The man tilted his head to the side, amused by something. '' Married? I'm not sure what that means.'' 

Oh boy, where was Daniel when you needed him? '' Um, you're parents... in our culture, they would be married, or partners. Living together. Husband and wife. Like your parents.'' As a last ditch attempt, Sam threw in the big, impossible word, '' Lovers.'' 

Marteen drew his hand away from her hair. '' You're... joined?'' 

'' *Oh yeah!*'' Okay, that came out a leeeeeeetle louder than she wanted it too, but, hey, she was passionate about her decision to stay away from all alien men in the future. 

Marteen turned to look at Colonel O'Neill, the expression on his face almost identical to the one the Colonel had sported earlier. '' To that man?'' he clarified, just to be absolute sure. Clearly, it was impossible for Marteen to picture her married to the Colonel. Considering her current state of general irritation with him, she decided to be flattered, even if the concept of marital relations with her CO were entirely appealing. 

Sam turned and waved affectionately at her CO, who frowned at her and half-waved back, before turning to talk to Teal'c. 

'' He is... very tall,'' Marteen said thoughtfully. 

'' Yes. He is. And everything's in perfect proportion,'' she added. Unnecessarily. Hopefully, Marteen wouldn't get the implication. 

'' That is curious. You do not seem very... comfortable.'' 

Huh. No kidding. He sure caught on fast. '' No. You see, while we're at work, he is... our leader and we must act in a professional manner.'' Real professional. In fact, so professional that they didn't touch each other at all any more. At work or otherwise. And boy was it getting old fast. 

'' I see.'' 

He so didn't, Sam thought, but wasn't going to point that out. She glanced over at his parents, who were now chatting to one another. Apparently, the culture were so hell-bent on recovering their history that they moved all the researchers and archaeologists, complete with their families, into temporary facilities near to the historical site. Hence Marteen's parents being so close to hand. And Daniel's current absorption in the main temple. He and this culture got on really well. 

'' In my culture, Samantha, joining can be broken.'' 

Sam's eyes widened. He'd got to be kidding? He couldn't be that keen on her already. They'd only known each other for a few hours. Then again, in her experience, alien men tended to work way faster than the human ones did. '' Ah... really? That's interesting.'' 

'' Of course, an interested outside party would have to take it up with the joined of his object of interest.'' 

Huh? Interested outside party? Object of interest? What was he saying? '' What?'' 

Resolutely, he lifted his chin. '' I shall speak to Colonel O'Neill.'' 

Automatically, Sam reached out and wrapped a hand around his wrist. '' Um, give me a sec, okay?'' 

He bowed gallantly, setting Sam's teeth on edge. '' Of course, Samantha.'' 

She realised his wrist rather swiftly. '' Please, call me Sam,'' she said. She'd had enough 'Samantha's to last her a lifetime. 

Sam jogged over to her Colonel, smiled at Teal'c, and addressed him, '' Okay, Marteen's coming over for a chat with you,'' she said, directing her gaze to her CO. 

'' Why?'' 

'' Because.... we're married and you appear to be the only thing stopping Marteen from having his way with me.'' She smiled broadly up at him. Then patted him affectionately on the arm. '' Have fun.'' 

This time, the Colonel grabbed her by the wrist as she attempted to get away. '' Hold it, Major.'' He wrenched her back. '' What did you say?'' 

'' Well, you told me to tell him I was married to someone with a big gun. You have a big gun.'' Oh, she was really enjoying this _way_ too much. '' It seemed logical to say one of you three were my husband - that way I'd have proof.'' 

Colonel O'Neill gaped at her. '' Why didn't you say Danny or Teal'c was? Why me?'' 

Teal'c butted in, '' O'Neill, you are our leader. It makes sense that Major Carter chose you. I am not of your race, and DanielJackson is not....'' 

'' Scary enough,'' Sam put in. '' Thanks, Teal'c. Just what I reasoned. Logically. Methodically. Scientifically.'' 

He waved his hands in the air. '' Stop it!'' 

She giggled. '' Oh, come on. It's hardly life threatening. Look, I don't want to have this guy following me around for the rest of the day. I'm staying away from all alien men in the future - they're just not worth the pain.'' 

'' Pain?'' 

Sam rolled her eyes. How could he not have noticed? '' I'm going to see Daniel now. For God's sake, tell Marteen about our three sons, Billy, Ben and Benny....'' 

'' Billy, Bobby and Benjy! Get it right, Carter!'' 

'' You're crazy, did you know that?'' 

'' That's, 'you're crazy, _darling_'.'' 

She glared at him. '' Oh, someone's sleeping alone tonight, in that case,'' she retorted. 

Colonel O'Neill grinned, getting into the banter, and he opened his mouth to say something when a familiar voice spoke up from behind Sam. 

'' Colonel O'Neill?'' 

Sam raised her eyebrows. '' See, darling, Marteen's come to speak to you now. Isn't that nice? I think I'll go and talk to Daniel.'' 

'' Witch,'' the Colonel muttered, before Sam scuttled away, perfectly pleased with herself. 

**** 

'' Oh come *on*,'' Sam exclaimed furiously. 

The emphasis was somewhat lost, though, as she'd started the sentence on one side of the gate, and ended it on the other, when they were home. Colonel O'Neill got the message, she was sure. He just wasn't interested in receiving it. In fact, he marched down the ramp, walked straight past the general, and kept on walking, his boots squelching and somewhat ruining the effect. 

Hammond was open mouthed. '' What in God's name happened to him?'' 

Daniel cleared his throat and edged a look at Sam. '' Um, Colonel O'Neill was involved in... a spat.'' 

'' A spat,'' Hammond repeated. '' Colonel O'Neill.'' He shook his head, as if to get rid of something. '' Then why was he covered in mud?'' 

'' It was mud wrestling, General Hammond. Most intriguing,'' Teal'c said. Seriously. 

Sam looked firmly down at her boots, noticed she had a tiny spot of mud on the toe of her left one. 

'' Major? Could you explain?'' 

She winced. '' Er... yeah. You see... there was this guy...'' She trailed off, aware that the defence team were still present. She hopped from one boot to the other. '' Perhaps it would be best to explain in the briefing, sir?'' she suggested, just a touch of squeakiness to her voice. 

'' A briefing which Jack isn't coming to, by the way,'' Daniel added tentatively. 

'' *WHAT?* 

'' O'Neill expressed his wishes most clearly on our journey home,'' Teal'c continued, seemingly exacting much enjoyment from Hammond's confusion and Sam's discomfort. '' He wishes to return home, bathe and never see Major Carter again.'' 

Oh for the ramp to split and swallow her whole, Sam thought, closing her eyes. 

'' Infirmary, showers, briefing in forty-five minutes,'' Hammond said through his teeth. 

'' Yes, sir,'' Sam whispered miserably, trudging out of the room with Teal'c and Daniel beside her. 

Janet looked rather frazzled when they arrived in the infirmary, freshly scrubbed and squeaky clean. She gave them all a very odd look as around her cleaners swabbed the floors. '' I just had the most bizarre encounter with Colonel O'Neill. He refused to shower before his physical and I.... were you guys that filthy as well?'' 

Teal'c smiled. '' No. We were not, DoctorFraiser.'' 

Sam groaned and climbed up onto a bed, falling face down into the pillow. 

'' Jack was forced to defend his wife from the advances of one of the natives,'' Daniel said, a smile in his voice as he pulled off his glasses and wiped the steam from them as he chatted to Janet. 

'' His wife....?'' 

'' That would be Sam.'' 

'' He was right,'' Sam said into her pillow, '' I should have said Daniel was my husband. No, Teal'c. Teal'c could have frozen Marteen with just a look. You wouldn't have got into a mud fight would you, Teal'c?'' 

'' It looked quite interesting, Major Carter. And for your honour, I would defend you to the limits of my endurance.'' 

She looked up, just in time to see him rise from a short bow. '' That's lovely, Teal'c.'' 

Really. She was almost misty eyed. 

Janet came over and pulled the curtain around Sam's bed, swiftly setting up for the post-mission check-up. '' What happened? He was so mad, Sam. I've never seen anything like it.'' 

'' It was this guy, Marteen. He... had a crush on me.'' 

Janet flicked the penlight in Sam's eyes. '' Again?'' 

'' Look,'' Sam said crossly, blinking rapidly, '' it happens to everyone. All the women on SG teams have exactly the same problem.'' Nobody else's died in rapid succession, though. That was her own speciality. 

'' Okay, okay, go on,'' Janet said impatiently, selecting from her tray the next tool to inflict upon her patient. 

'' So obviously I wanted to dissuade him from getting any ideas. Considering...'' 

Janet was nodding, understanding immediately. '' Considering.'' 

'' Colonel O'Neill suggested I told Marteen that I was married.'' 

'' Okaaay....'' 

'' So I did. Just that... I was married to Colonel O'Neill... ow! Janet!'' 

'' Sorry. I slipped.'' Wincing apologetically, Janet grabbed some antiseptic wipes and started dabbing at Sam's upper arm. '' What possessed you?'' 

'' Well he'd pissed me off earlier - he was so damn casual about Marteen and my little theory - that I thought I'd torture him just a little bit. Only I didn't realise that Marteen's culture still kept a couple of their more traditional values....'' 

'' The mud wrestling.'' 

'' Yeah. The Colonel was forced to wrestle for me.'' 

'' Oh my God. No wonder he was in such a bad mood. Honestly, I had nurses crying.'' 

Sam could easily believe it. The tirade she had been privy to all the way home had been enough to render her speechless. '' It was awful Janet. He was so angry with me.'' 

'' Oh, Sam,'' she sighed sympathetically. 

'' And now I have to explain it to Hammond.'' She dropped her head down into her hands. '' I hate my life.'' 

Janet patted Sam on the shoulder. '' He'll understand. Just avoid the whole part about wanting to wind the Colonel up. And don't look at Colonel O'Neill throughout the briefing. You know you'll start blushing.'' 

She already was, had been since she'd walked through the gate. '' He's not going to be there. He said he never wanted to see me again.'' 

'' Now you know that's not true.'' 

'' He said it! And you know what he's like!'' 

Janet didn't really have anything to say to that, which just worsened Sam's mood further. Even Janet knew the truth of the matter. He really *wouldn't* speak to her again. 

'' Er.. Sam?'' 

'' Daniel?'' 

'' You done yet? We're due for the briefing in five minutes.'' 

'' Bye Janet,'' Sam sighed. 

'' See you tonight? Bottle of wine and Bruce Willis?'' 

'' Okay,'' she said. Miserably. 

'' Richard Gere?'' 

'' Better.'' 

'' Pierce Brosnan?'' 

She managed a smile. '' Now we're cooking.'' 

Daniel looked at her sympathetically when she emerged. He put a brotherly arm about her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. '' We'll protect you from the Colonel's wrath,'' he said, mock-dramatically. 

'' You'd better,'' she warned, resting her head on his shoulder as they walked towards the elevator. '' God knows what he's going to do in revenge.'' 

'' In that case, why don't you do something to make it up to him?'' 

'' What? I can't think of anything.'' 

**** 

Two bottles of wine had gone a long way in helping Sam and Janet think of 'something'. They were rummaging furiously through Janet's closet, trying to come up with a suitable outfit, occasionally giggling over something that Janet had kept since the eighties. 

'' I mean.... what was I *thinking*?'' Janet said wonderingly, casting aside an orange thing with a shudder. 

'' You were thinking... oooh, boots,'' Sam murmured, leaning in the closet a little too hard and nearly falling into the pile of shoes. Then she lost her footing and she really did fall into the pile of boots. '' I meant to do that.'' 

'' Sure. Found the boots?'' 

'' I'm sitting on them.'' 

'' Oh.'' Janet sat there. '' Are you going to get out of there?'' 

Sam pouted. '' No.'' 

'' Wear the red dress.'' 

'' I can't! It won't cover my ass!'' 

Janet blinked innocently. '' I thought that was the whole point. You want to get into his good books. The red dress will do that.'' 

Sam looked over at the dress. It was a nice colour - bold, made of some satiny material with itty bitty straps and a tight bodice. But it was short. And low. And short. And tight. Did she mention it was short? And she was long... tall. 

'' What shoes would I wear?'' she asked theoretically. 

'' Um... I'm not sure. I don't have any shoes your size.'' 

'' Oh.'' 

'' But Cassie might,'' Janet announced, getting up. 

Cassie! 

'' Isn't she asleep?'' 

'' Oh, she won't mind,'' the wise doctor announced, sweeping out of the room, then swearing as she tripped over something in the hallway. 

A little more tentative, Sam followed Janet down the hallway to the next room along. They peered into Cassie's room and saw the teenager was fast asleep in bed. Janet pushed the door open softly and tiptoed to the other side of the room, beckoning Sam over furiously. 

One eye on Cassie, Sam tiptoed over. Apparently Cassie kept her shoes on a shelf and Janet was standing in front of the sets Cassie kept for parties. 

'' Oooh,'' Sam sighed, lifting up a pair and admiring them in the semi-dark. '' What colour do you think these are?'' 

'' Purple. Bright purple,'' Janet said disapprovingly. '' They're actually surprisingly hideous.'' 

Quietly, Sam put the shoes back down. She picked up strappy pair. '' These look normal.'' 

'' They pinch.'' 

Both adults jumped. 

'' Oh, hi, Cassie. Thought you were asleep,'' Sam managed, since Janet appeared to be struck dumb. 

'' Hardly. I've been listening to you two most of the night. Wear the ones on the far right, Sam. They match the dress. Which is actually mine.'' 

Janet coughed lightly. '' I bought it.'' 

'' For *me*.'' 

'' I *bought* it.'' 

Sensing a mother-daughter argument, Sam plucked up the shoes and grabbed Janet's hand. '' Thanks, Cass. See you around.'' 

'' Have a nice night, Sam. Remember to wear a long coat. It's cold.'' 

Blushing, Sam closed the door behind them rather forcefully and scurried into Janet's bedroom. '' Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed.'' 

'' Me too. I thought she hadn't noticed I'd nicked her dress.'' 

Giving Janet a bland look, Sam snatched the dress up from the bed and ran into the bathroom. 

**** 

Daniel yawned once again and tried to get more comfortable on the steering wheel. He'd long since stopped offering suggestions for Janet's pep talk, having finally succumbed to tiredness. Teal'c was sitting in the front seat, having a staring competition with a cat on the sidewalk. 

'' Right. Ready?'' 

Sam nodded firmly, hand going to the handle for the umpteenth time. Then she paused. 

Janet sighed. '' Samantha Carter, if you don't get out of this car right now, I shall push you out and we'll leave you here alone, practically naked.......'' 

'' Practically naked!'' Sam squeaked. The wine had long since worn off, and Sam was feeling decidedly... naked. 

'' GO!'' 

She shot out of the car. 

Legs wobbling in unfamiliar heels, Sam walked towards the front door of the Colonel's house. This was ridiculous, she kept telling herself. Why was she doing this? She'd even shaved her legs, for God's sake. She was wearing skimpy bits of underwear. Okay, one skimpy bit of underwear. She didn't need a bra for this dress, thank God, because she really wouldn't fit into Janet's. 

She buttoned up another button on the long coat she'd worn to Janet's that evening. It covered her completely from throat to ankle so only the strappy shoes and red-painted toenails were obvious. 

Holy Hannah. 

The door bell. 

There it was. 

Lift finger. 

Press. 

She looked down at her arm, dangling by her side. 

Lift finger. 

Press. 

Finger and arm weren't listening. Sam bit her lip and glared at the door bell, trying to will it ring with the power of her mind. 

The door swung open and she shrieked. 

'' What the hell are you doing here, Carter?'' He looked over her shoulder. '' And why are Danny, Teal'c and the Doc all sitting in the car on the other side of the street?'' 

Oh yeah. Black ops. Now she felt dumb. 

'' Carter?'' he pressed furiously when she didn't answer immediately. 

'' It's a long story. Can I come in?'' 

'' It's three in the morning.'' 

'' Is that a 'no'? I'm really not wearing very much under this coat.'' 

He froze. 

So did Sam. 

She really hadn't meant to say that. Chalk it up to nerves. 

'' Sorry?'' The Colonel shook his head. '' You can't have said what I thought you just said.'' 

Sam thought about it and decided she couldn't really retract the comment. '' Actually. I did.'' 

He paused. '' Oh.'' 

'' Yeah.'' 

He paused again.'' You're not... naked?'' The last word was perilously close to a squeak. 

'' No. There's a dress.'' 

'' A dress.'' 

'' A red one.'' 

'' A red dress.'' His tone was reverent. 

'' Yes.'' 

'' A little red dress?'' the Colonel asked, somewhat hopefully. 

'' Very little,'' she confirmed. 

'' A very little red dress.'' He rolled the words around with his tongue, like he was savouring them. 

'' Got it in one.'' 

'' No, I didn't.'' 

'' It's an expression.'' 

'' A cliché.'' 

She rolled her eyes. '' Can I come in or what?'' 

Colonel O'Neill pulled the door open further and grinned. '' So long as you get rid of the coat.'' 

'' Not angry with me any more?'' 

'' Are you kidding me?'' He pointed down at her feet as she walked past. '' You had me with the red toenails.'' 


End file.
